free falling

i feel like i fall apart daily.
everyday i wake up and i smile and i laugh
and at some point during the day someome hurts me, or my brain habitully shits on my soul, i eat the wrong food, i dont drink enough water, im cold
who cares
i fall
 i fall apart and nothing makes sense.
the worls around me keeps on moving and i am left standing in a bubble that is slowly running out of oxygen waiting for the right moment to save me.
watching each second of the day move past me in slow motion
picking it apart looking for the silver lining
and when i see that silver lining ill jump.
ill jum as high
as far
as long as i need to even if im only able to latch on with my one good index finger.
just to feel the sanity in it
just to have one more chance to pull myself up out of this ballon
this ballooon that is slowly running out of hellium as it plummets towards the fire pit that is humanity.
i wish i were a slug.
live die love lose. whats the difference.
whats the difference when as deeply as i love myself i lose myself daily.
maybe i need one of those leashes that parents put on their children in the malls.
maybe i need a playpen. one that has four distinct corners and no escape.
where i can press my face against the clear bubbles that show me the world outside with no possibility of getting hurt.
of falling over

lost.

please light a candle.
please make a sound
please call me home.

painfully chronic and chronic pain

the shakes

been having the 'shakes' for two weeks now.
and the crystal in my joints is getting worse.
fuckfuck fuck.
have no creative words today

to my favorite scuz brother

as my tears flow down my salty tired face i know ud smack me one for sitting outside this punk show, curled up on the stairs. so i light a cigarette and plot where to scar my body with your inky presence.
daily your smile has been creeping to the corners of my mouth.
damb it brother we were so close, a hundred k, as i sat to await ur call and for u to show up at my front dirt patch. but this was not the msg i was wanting to recieve.
our time plays through my head in black and white detective style, with lingere music playing in the background and i have the sudden urge to drink NyQuil on the beach.
so stand beside us and laugh as we continue our struggle, for now u r free of these worldy constraints that could never have truly bound your spirit if ud lived 200 years.
forever beating within the souls of those who unwaveringly love u. as i lose ur physical presence a part of my melts and dribbles down to the wombs of the earth. my favorite scuz brother. i hold u today and always.

consequence

found a blog today.
polyamoury.

nice to fund common bonds.
even if its with peoplei dont know.
out here on this small rock theres not much understanding of my love and life choices.
and plenty of below the brow gossip and tittering.
just reading xrays blog helped me today.

deep.
that is the word i choose to use to describe my being.
deep.
sometimes dark
sometimes beautiful
but always intense